He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
