My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
