i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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