we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
