I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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