Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
