Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
