i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
