I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize