Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize