Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
