Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
