i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
