Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
don't judge my taste in strippers
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
