Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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