I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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