How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
