Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
