Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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