i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
