More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
