You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
