oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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