I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
