If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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