I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
