I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
