Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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