I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
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So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
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While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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