My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize