trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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