So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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