Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
