i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
