i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
