God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
