I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
