I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
