I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
