so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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