[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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