New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
