The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
