Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
