i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
