i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
