i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
