And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
