Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
