that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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