She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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