Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
