my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
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You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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