Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
