I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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