This is not my ceiling
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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