So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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